Saturday, August 11, 2007

Wry Thoughts Prepped For Parchment


Someday I’d like to go up to that man who just hit his 755th home run and ask him what he’s going to do with his life, when he’s going to settle down and get serious. You know, make something of himself and all.
∞∞∞
Do drive-by shooters ever wonder about the gas mileage of their cars?
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‘It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity,’ doesn’t work if you’re a lobster sitting in a pot of boiling water.
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The difference between a good family and a bad family is work. A good family is filled with effort and planning and execution. A bad family simply waits.
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The Special Olympics aren’t very special at all. They are mediocre performances by people being cruelly used as résumé enhancements by normally-abled people.
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We need to pass a law forbidding the publishing of any more books – fiction, nonfiction, doesn’t matter – about New York City.
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For as much as the coffee chains are thriving, there seems to be a generation out there uninterested in coffee. This could lead to a slowdown in many things.
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We need literary heroes but the true ones out there aren’t being recognized. I remain, however, quite patient.
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It’s time to forbid our politicians at every level from using the word ‘job.’
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Sometimes I think all of my teachers were wrong and John Stuart Mill was right. Keeping yourself well-informed and up on the news does little more than make you unhappy.
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History is the study of the intense leading the inept into the inane.
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Television advertising is filled with products that will make you regular, that will soften your stool, that will decrease your gas. I have yet to see an ad, however, that uses the word ‘bowel.’
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Don’t think for a minute that we will change our ways and stop doing those things that cause global warming. We will, instead, adapt to it. There is too much money to be made in keeping people cool.
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As privacy is more and more invaded, we will do more and more to remain private. The reward for our success is called loneliness.
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We have entered the era of national food.
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In a time when everything is measured in billions, it is almost impossible to hope for one thing, just one, maybe this one right here.
∞∞∞

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